Monday, April 18, 2005

A Mind a Mess

I'm the type of person who likes to be constantly learning. If I'm not learning I feel like an idiot or an uneducated slacker. Since I work a 9-5 and I'm not in school yet I have to do this on my own time. I have no problem with it, but I get busy with unimportant activities quite often and have to bring myself back on track.

Lately though my mind has been so scattered and analytical that I'm so preoccupied with thinking that I'm not even attempting to educate myself in other areas. I don't know what the hell is going on with me these days. Some people might take it as depression, but since I don't always feel this way I like to pick it apart and be in the moment of whatever is bothering. It seems like it's kind of sick to say that, but at the same time I'd rather learn from my experience opposed to sulking and feeling sorry for myself.

I wish I could be who I think I should be. I know I am where I am at for a reason, but I feel like I have wasted so much time. The time that I have felt like was wasted has molded me into who I am today though. I think I am much better off not being so naive and zealous.

I miss that zeal though.

I wouldn't mind being naive either.

Atleast my intentions were pure and I had a focus.

I still have intentions, but they are jaded by the fact that my accomplished goals are to please others or make myself have a higher standing in society. Opposed to accomplishing these tasks that were first sparked by a fire to achieve these things for a greater good.

The fire is smoldering, but the coals are still hot.

Matthew 6:33

Thursday, April 14, 2005

"You're already dead!"

"We're all scared. You hid in that ditch because you think there's still hope. But Blithe, the only hope you have is to accept the fact that you're already dead. And the sooner you accept that, the sooner you'll be able to function as a soldier is supposed to function. Without mercy. Without compassion. Without remorse. All war depends on it."

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I recently borrowed the Band of Brothers box set from my friend Shawn. I've been wanting to watch this miniseries for the longest time now, but haven't been willing to pay the $70 at Target to actually purchase it. I usually don't get too excited about things because I don't want to be let down, but Band of Brothers has not let me down. I think I'm going to be sad when i'm done watching it. I had similar feelings when I completed the last season of The Soprano's that was available on DVD.

I'm not sure what it is about War movies that interests me so much. I don't enjoy real life trauma and gore so why would I like it on the big screen? I could analyze this forever, but we'll just keep it to the "I like history and I know it's not real, even though it really happened" answer.

The camaraderie between the men is also very appealing. It's interesting to watch a group of people in a war scenario drop their guns and pick up one of their men in the middle of a fire fight and carry him off to safety with the high possibility of getting wounded or even killed themselves. The medics even more so.

During the battle scenes something really stuck out to me. Those who were fearless wouldn't get injured as quickly as those who were afriad to fight. That makes sense to me with the idea that being stationary would give away your position and enable more of a chance of something hitting you opposed to constantly changing your position.

At the same time, it also just seems like a mindset and possibly even a super natural idea. If you're afraid, you most likely think something is going to kill you. It seems like it would because you have that attitude and the negativity would seem to build on that.You know, weird Karma shit. Being courageous would be the way to go in my book. Positive energy and hopefully a positive cause. Who wants to die a pansy in a foxhole who was too scared to fight?

Since I'm only watching a show about WWII who knows if this is how it really works, but I would imagine there to be some truth in my theories.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

"Sticks and Stones"

I have never met another person who truly wasn't interested in being in some sort of romantic relationship. I have met people who were bitter about past relationships who said they hated the opposite sex and wanted them all to die, but you could still tell that they wanted a relationship of some sort at some point in the future. Then there are people who wouldn't mind being in a relationship, but they don't base their life on finding another person. It's our nature to want deep relations with the opposite sex or if you're gay, with the same sex.

I've never been angry enough with a female to call off relations with all of them. It never seemed logical and it was very stereotypical. Saying that "Girls are evil" is like assuming that everyone who is Italian is in the Mafia. These idea's and thought processes are very juvenile and never realistic, but interesting to point out due to the fact that I've known people to believe both.

What I love about relationships is also what I hate. It's the complexity of it all.

When two people first meet they have an incredible time getting to know one another(usually) and learning what the other person loves,hates,needs and how they work. If things go well from there they will usually end up together in some form or fashion for an allotted period of time. This complexity is for the most part enjoyable and brings me satisfaction. If I had to go through this process every three months I would not find it enjoyable due to the fact that it would be exhausting. That's why people who date multiple people at the same time baffle me. I just couldn't do it.

Saying all of that, getting to know one another is a complex task and achievement.

This is the part that I hate now. You've come to the place where both people know each other in and out, but they run into irreconcilable differences and no one is willing to agree to disagree(I will do this though). Maybe because I'm a strategic, quick-witted, over analyzing and probably an over-achiever in verbal communication in relationships I don't fear this time. I don't welcome it either.

When I come into this war-zone I have a secret weapon though. Some might think it's confidence or intuition. It's neither. It's actually honesty. You can't prove honesty wrong. It will prevail.

I know my faults. I'm not perfect. I'm the king of relational mistakes.

I realize this though.

and I'm working on it...

Monday, April 04, 2005

Out of Step

I find the lack of originality in the world to be amusing. It almost seems like people are trying so hard to be different that they end up in the same mold that they tried to so hard not to be in because they only wanted the appearance and not the actuality of being original.

Even better are the ones who act as though they are liberated from society, but deep down inside if you search with a fine tooth comb you can find the remnants of traditional and sometimes ignorant thoughts and beliefs that they try and act like they don't have. I will admit that I have some of those ignorant and old fashioned tendencies as well. I don't think they are all completely bad, but when you stereo-type people and pigeon hole someone with your beliefs then I think that is when you need to change your idea's.

When someone or something is cutting edge, ground breaking and original the masses go into a frenzy, but if you would have proposed the idea or thought process before the frenzy occurred most likely they would've shot the idea down and gone along with the masses.

This may all sound vague, but I'm wrestling with being unconventional right now and fighting against the demons of tradition and bull shit idea's that society has placed on a generation for true success.

I believe true success is complete fulfillment and happiness in what you do. How can I be expected to go the same route as the majority. I never have. I might be kicking myself for maybe not following along for some of the ride, but at the same time I rejoice in the fact that I got to experience something completely different and new that was all mine and no one can ever take that away from me.

"Think outside the box."

"We're still talking about boxes?"

"Fuck the box."

Friday, April 01, 2005

It's ok, it really is Friday!

I've posted in the past about how your humor will change when you're in the work place, but I really hate how attitudes change. I've worked with a number of people who were part of a sales team or an operations team and they would sit around and complain about the upper middle the rest of us.

All of us would have completly valid points in our arguements against "The (middle) Man". There was always talk of finding a new job or moving into a different department. If you have ever worked in an office with low morale this is a constant conversation amongst coworkers. Every once in a while someone would actually quit or switch departments. But if you really wore your emotions on your sleeve we would end up taking you out for *Chinese.

I was never taken to the Chinese restaurant. It's not that I didn't feel the same way towards The (middle) MANagement. I just chose to be wise and keep my mouth shut. I do have bills to pay and I could always work somewhere alot worse, is usually what I do/would tell myself. It's kind of like being a double agent though. You secretly hate your job, but at the same time you wear a nice fake smile at work to be incogneato to the enemy.

I had a point to this post though.

What seems to be the most aggravating thing to me about working in an office is when regular joe-schmoe who always complains about his current environment gets promoted to be The (middle) MANager. The horrible injustice that he despised for so long has now become his personal agenda. He wreaks the havoc that he once hated. He acts as those he once knew you on a different level, but it appears that his memory has been wiped clean and you are now the enemy.

Borg has assimilated him.

It's a vicious cycle in every office. I probably shouldn't even blog about it, out of fear that someone from the office might read it. You know what though?

"It's Ok, It's Friday"!

*At one of my previous jobs if you were fired your last meal would be at a chinese restaurant. I guess theey were just trying to be gracious with a last supper, but it usually was just the torture before the termination. The MSG would burn in your mouth for days afterwards as a reminder of our long lost coworker.