Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Duality of Man

Pogue Colonel: Marine, what is that button on your body armor?
Private Joker: A peace symbol, sir.
Pogue Colonel: Where'd you get it?
Private Joker: I don't remember, sir.
Pogue Colonel: What is that you've got written on your helmet?
Private Joker: "Born to Kill", sir.
Pogue Colonel: You write "Born to Kill" on your helmet and you wear a peace button. What's that supposed to be, some kind of sick joke?
Private Joker: No, sir.
Pogue Colonel: You'd better get your head and your ass wired together, or I will take a giant shit on you.
Private Joker: Yes, sir.
Pogue Colonel: Now answer my question or you'll be standing tall before the man.
Private Joker: I think I was trying to suggest something about the duality of man, sir.
Pogue Colonel: The what?
Private Joker: The duality of man. The Jungian thing, sir.
Pogue Colonel: Whose side are you on, son?
Private Joker: Our side, sir.
Pogue Colonel: Don't you love your country?
Private Joker: Yes, sir.
Pogue Colonel: Then how about getting with the program? Why don't you jump on the team and come on in for the big win?
Private Joker: Yes, sir.
Pogue Colonel: Son, all I've ever asked of my marines is that they obey my orders as they would the word of God. We are here to help the Vietnamese, because inside every gook there is an American trying to get out. It's a hardball world, son. We've gotta keep our heads until this peace craze blows over.
Private Joker: Aye-aye, sir.

This is one of my favorite scenes in Full Metal Jacket.

The Duality of man!

I think I kind of understand that. I think that's why I love Johnny Cash so much. One minute he's singing songs about killing men in Reno just to watch them die to Swing Low Sweet Chariot. I can identify with that as sick as it may sound.

Sometimes I want to put someone in their place and tell them to fuck off. Then when I walk away and have a chance to think about it all I realize that God loves that person just as much as He loves me regardless of whether they're an asshole or not. Shit, I'm an asshole, but he still gives me grace.

We're all assholes sometimes and God brings the heavenly toilet paper to wipe our asses. Now you might think that that's disgusting and degrading to God, but I don't. Jesus washed all of the disiples feet and as low and filthy as I may be sometimes I know God would wipe my ass.

I'm thankful for that. Now just to follow his example. How can I help wipe the asses of society?

Done with all of the shit talk. Back to the duality of man.

Regardless of whether you want to shoot someone down in the street or help a little old lady cross the street We all have that dual nature. The Bible refers to it for the Christian types as the Spirit and the Flesh. It's such an interesting subject to me that Paul covers in Romans.

He says not to gratify the lusts of your sinful nature(flesh), but to walk in the Spirit. One thing that he says that alot of people can't comprehend is that if you don't gratify the lusts of your flesh that you will walk in the spirit and not sin. So we don't have to sin?

Honestly, what would be the point of a salvation and a God who freed us from sin if we couldn't not sin. Now I know that not sinning is not the objective. The objective is to Love God and your neighbor as yourself, but Jesus said if you do these things that you won't break the ten commandments. Which in turn means you won't sin. Isn't that crazy?

I may sound like a heretic right now talking about God wiping my ass and not sinning, but that's the greatest thing about God. I think he'll help me do both of these things.

Now if you think everything I've said is crazy, just remember that it's not about arriving. It's about the journey. That's where my faith lies.

God is perfecting my faith and I just need to keep working out my salvation through fear and trembling.

This is why I love God. I think I could have a conversation with Him about all of this stuff and I think he would be excited that I would be getting it. Church folks would probably think I'm crazy, but God bless those people. I think they need their eyes opened up just as much as they think all of the "sinners" out in the world do.

Jesus loved the sinners and I do to, mainly because i'm one of them.

Friday, November 25, 2005

Message.

"I'm sorry I'm away from my blog right now, but if you leave me a message i'll be sure to get back to you as soon as possible. Thanks"

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Regression of Despression

Alright,

Sorry about the short hiatus of depression there. I handle it much differently than most though. Being the extrovert that I am it's not very often that I get down, but being the analyzer that I am, when I am down and out I pull it apart and find the root of the problem. I know what has caused this pain in my heart. I know why my mind has not been awake, but been an all consuming thunder storm of thoughts.

As sick as it may sound I don't completely mind going through these stages. I just experiment with it. As always though, I pick myself up and get back to it. I'm an extrovert, a cancer, a rooster...remember? Now you might think that all of my problems are resolved. Actually, none of them are, but it's alright. I've finally found the strength through my experimentation of my thoughts to figure out how to handle everything.

Like I orignally thought, Everything is going to be alright, whether these issues turn out the way I want them to or the way God has intended them to work out.

I use to have a saying a couple of years ago, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger...or bitter". I don't like being bitter. It takes too much work. It's not worth it. There's so much more in this life to be happy about. I don't feel like keeping up with what makes me mad or who has pissed me off this week. It's too much to handle or try to control.

We must always remember that there is a reason things don't work out the way we want them too and that it's ok not to get what you want, even though it destroys us at the moment. I think in most cases it works out for the best that we don't get what we think we MUST have. I know what I need and I already have it. Whether I get more of that is up to me. This does not depend on anyone, but me.

I control my own destiny on this one.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

How Low.

Now I wake up around 4 or 5.
Eat, shower, and get dressed in about an hour's time.
Take my vitamins, check my messages, and call around to some friends,
make plans for dinner and drinks sometime after 9:00.
Oh we're definitely going to call it in early tonight.
Well, I need to dry out and take some time to clear my mind.
Now before you know it here I am again, it's fucking 2:00 in the morning,
standing in a bar, with a drink in hand.

How low can you go before you can't turn around?

Now seriously, this is my last and final time.
Well I'm making some big, big changes in my life.
No, you won't catch me down here again, waiting to score sweaty money palmed into my hand.
What the fuck are you cutting this with anyway?
Because I have got some really, really big plans.
And today's the day I'm putting them into action.
But before you know it, here I am again. It's fucking 6:00 in the morning.
Rolled up dollar bill in my hand.

How low can you go before you can't turn around?

And I'm sick of feeling like I'm losing my mind.
Sick of doing the same things night after night.
Sick of self-loathing and self-absorbtion,
self-destructive narcissism.
I'm sick to death of being constantly fucking sick of.

I don't know who I can trust.
Thought there was us, now there is no one.





by Against Me!

Monday, November 21, 2005

Self Destruction through Mass Consumption


She was worth the pain, but I’m not worth her tears.

A Carton of Camel Lights costs about $25 plus tax.

A shot of Jaeger, two shots of Sailor Jerry Rum, two Guinness’s and two Bass’s is worth $33 plus tip.

Two tickets to see Walk the Line is worth $17.

A flask full of Jaeger snuck into a movie theatre is only worth about $10, but probably worth more if you get caught.

Seeing my hero depicted on the Big Screen is more than priceless though.

“You look like you’re going to a funeral.”

“Maybe I am.”

Maybe I’ve been to too many already.

Maybesomepeopleslivesfeellikelivingfunerals.

"I have not had sexual relations with that woman."

Don’t lie to you wife. (Don’t be fucking someone else on her time.)

Don’t lie to your friends. (They’re not that naive.)

Don’t lie to your family. (I’ve known you my whole life. I can see right through your bullshit. Maybe one day I’ll tell you, but it won’t matter.)

I’ve walked the line.

I will walk it again… and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and I gain and I gain I gain and I gain and I gain and I gain and a gin and a gin and a gin and a gin and a gin and a gin and a gin and a gin will help me to do so.


I’m ready for the Holidays!

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Pretty Girls.

What are you gonna say when she picks up the phone?
Should you leave a message if she's not at home?
I wanted to know if you'd like to see a movie or get a drink.
It would be cool just to be in your company.
But if she says yes know what intentions might be.
If one thing leads to another and there's some chemistry.
You cannot lie, you have to tell the truth.
You have to explain why this could never be, because

There are things that cannot be undone.
There are mistakes that will never be forgiven.
Sometimes at night, I pray to wake a different person in a different place.

Maybe we could just be friends.
I'm being a bit presumptuous.
The stomach churns, the mind starts to race.
You nervously start to exaggerate.
I just want to be young, I want to live.
I want to be healthy,
I don't want this problem.
You wouldn't think something like irresponsibility,
would complicate something like asking for a girl's company.

But there are things you must accept as said and done.
There are truths you must learn to confront.
You can pray all night and day.
You'll always wake the same person in the same place.

Drunk mouth ruined it again.
Sometimes I say the dumbest things.
Baby it's not you specifically it could be anybody.
I've gone and built this up in my head and now it's all already over.
It's all ready before it ever started.




Monday, November 14, 2005

This post will probably not get me any dates.

After thinking about poets today that write about love this thought crossed my mind: Are Poets similar to love sick juveniles who can't control their feelings and emotions and must display what they're feeling on paper? Or are these feelings and emotions lasting?

Maybe I'm maimed in my heart and cannot fathom carrying around a love like this for another soul for such a long period of time. I love my family and friends, but the love they speak of is so much more ...grueling. I wonder if throbbing might define it better, regardless, It's fucking painful is what it is. If these feelings are lasting I wonder if I'm missing something. Maybe it's all bullshit, but then again maybe I missed the boat on this one.

Does passion truly remain through the years? It's not as though I am some ignorant young boy(all the time) who doesn't get it. I fucking get it. Relationships take work and practice and all of that other shit that for some reason I fail with miserably.


Maybe. I've just never met the right person.

Maybe, I don't care enough.

Maybe: I'm lying to myself.

Maybe; I'm completely relationally inept.

Maybe, just maybe I'm fucking clueless.


Here's a poem by E.E. Cummings that makes me sick to my stomach.



i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)




Somedays I think poets and anyone who writes love songs
are out of their fucking minds.
Most days though, I kind of have to agree with them.

When I grow up I want to be a...

When I was a little boy I always thought that being a lawyer would be kind of cool because you got to argue all day long and prove everyone wrong. I liked to argue and I was pretty quick even at a young age. It sounded like a good deal to me. It’s interesting how a young mind works. I don’t think my heart would agree with the stress these days. Along with a slew of other thoughts I have about the justice system.

When I got a little older I wanted to be a professional basketball player. I think at best I would’ve made a Division II school if I hadn’t moved away from the school that I wanted to play for. Let’s be honest though, I’m 6’1” and I have very short arms. I can dribble and pass like a pro, but guys like me are a dime a dozen. It’s ok, I’m not upset about it.

After that I wanted to become a Pastor of some sort. I wanted to get my BFA in Theology and go to Seminary. Somewhere along the line I became jaded about my faith in the church. My faith in God has always remained the same. Yes, the good Lord and I have had it out, but I think it was needed. I’m not going to hide how I feel about something, especially to God. He already knows anyway. Anyway, for some reason I think a church board or even possibly the members would throw me out of the church for some legalistic reason or two. I wouldn’t be kicked out for accepting people though. It seems to me that is one of the churches biggest issues these days.

So here I am. I’m 24. This is kind of the part where I’m supposed to be on the fast track to whatever the hell I’m supposed to be doing in my life. I just can’t figure it out though. I get all of this pressure from friends and family about going to school. I think school is a good idea, but I have some thoughts about school. I don’t think that school makes people more intelligent though. If you just try to get the grade, but don’t try to learn then you’re not going to retain any of it. I don’t want to go to school for grades. I would want to go to retain knowledge.

I don’t want to be a part of corporate America either. The little bit of it I am apart of makes me sick and disturbed. I hate fucking politics. I don’t want to deal with them on any level, but they are in every aspect of life on every level.

So here’s the great dilemma, what the fuck does Johnny C. do with his life?

I’ve accepted that I’m probably not going to have much money in my life and I’m quite content with that. Happiness is key, but I want something deeper than that. I want fulfillment and joy. Joy goes beyond happiness. Happiness is based on feelings and emotions due to your current circumstances, but Joy is what gives you that peace that truly surpasses all understanding. That’s what I want. No can touch that. The only person who can affect the status of my joy, is me.

When it comes to my life and my career I might just to have to quote my mother.

“ Johnny, some of the neatest people I know are 50 and still not sure what they want to do with their lives. They’re so well-rounded because they’ve tried a little bit of everything. Don't worry about what you want to do, just figure it out along the way."

I think being a Jack of all trades just might suit me.

Thanks Mom!

Friday, November 11, 2005

Johnny Cash - The Discovery

I’m not sure how it even came about. Maybe it was a conversation with an acquaintance or maybe I saw something on television. I just decided one day that I wanted to listen to Johnny Cash. My Dad had raised me on John Fogerty, Paul Simon and had always talked about Bob Dylan, but I don’t think we listened to him because my Mom wasn’t a Bob Dylan fan.

I remember going on family vacations listening to “Put me in Coach” by Fogerty and the entire “Graceland” album by Paul Simon. They are both still favorites of mine. My brother still likes Paul Simon, but I don’t think he ever got into CCR. Maybe I’ll help him on that one.

It was probably a God given urge to listen to Cash. I was 18 and I had a fire in my belly to listen to him. So I drove all around town one night looking for the “Love, God, Murder” box set that had recently come out. I couldn’t find it anywhere so I settled for an older three disc box set with his classics. I was instantaneously hooked. Listening to “Ring of Fire”, “Walk the Line” and “Cry, Cry, Cry” got me excited. It had something that a lot of the music I was listening to at the time didn’t have. Maybe it was character? Maybe it was the fact that I had decided to check this out on my own with out much motivation from others.

Within months Johnny Cash was one of my favorite artists of all-time, right up there with Buddy Holly. When people would find out that I liked Johnny Cash they always found it amusing since I was so young, but since I was 16 I had acquired a taste for music from before my time. I loved 50’s rock n’ roll and rockabilly, so naturally, Cash was the next step.

Johnny Cash influenced me early on, not because of his style of music, but because of what he stood for. I was a punk rock kid. I wasn’t very rebellious, but I definitely stuck out. I had no problem with that, because I kind of always have stuck out. Johnny Cash was the Man in Black. He was the blue collar hero. He stuck out in a world of rock stardom and glamour. He always remained the same though with his attitude towards that life style and a lot of people didn’t understand that. I must admit I didn’t realize much of this myself at the time since the only thing I knew about him was what he said in his songs.

This was the beginning of my relationship with Johnny Cash. I had no idea at the time how much he was going to influence my life over the next few years, but I’m glad I stumbled on to the Solitary Man. Like a Grandfather with his crazy stories and words of wisdom, I’m truly a better person because of him.


Thursday, November 03, 2005

My name has been changed!

I don’t know what the deal is, but sometimes I feel like Rob Schneider’s character on Saturday Night Live who gives everyone nick names. I’ve been doing it for years. I don’t necessarily give mean nick names either they’re usually pretty fitting to the person.

I remember when I was in high school I actually went down the roster of the Varsity Basketball Team and gave everyone a nick name. The other point guard who had no game, but was a coach favorite was given the name Bubbles. We didn’t really ever call him that though. His real name was Gary Lilly and due to his incomplete floor leading skills (committing turnovers left and right) we went with a name a little more suitable for our ball hogging companion. Gary Turnover, similar to cherry turnover, not very creative but it was a riot because we all knew the truth.

I too was given nick names on the basketball team. Since I was known for my outlandish passes in Varsity games that the coaches tended to dislike and since my favorite player was Pete Maravich I was called “Pistol” from time to time. Also, Due to the cold Kentucky winters and my stylish white boy self, the majority of the basketball season I wore knee high socks in games. I would often times hear the other team unoriginally calling me “socks”. I was quite alright with these nicks names considering only a couple of years earlier and before I had honed my basketball abilities, I was referred to as “Spazz” on a daily basis. I’ll take “Sox” over “Spazz” any day of the week.

As I’ve gotten older though, most of my nick names revolve around my first name, John. Well, as you already know, Johnny. I did not create the nick name Johnny C. as some of you might assume, but one of my old bosses coined this nick name for me. It’s funny because I was never called Johnny C. until I was 18. I was starting my first “real” job after high school and I was pretty nervous about working there, but Adam (my boss) made me feel like part of the family. Adam passed away a couple of years ago and one day I’ll talk about it, but ever since he gave me the name I’ve always been cool with being called Johnny C. I still work for that company and I’m still called Johnny C. everyday.

Other variations of Johnny “insert something clever, witty or mean here” have come up over the years as well. Let’s start the list:

Johnny “Heartbreak” – This was an old screen name I created when I was in high school because I was obsessed with the 50's and for some reason some people still call me this name. I will admit that I have broken some hearts in my day, but I was no Fonz!

Johnny “Shotgun” – I can’t even remember. It wasn’t for my beer drinking skills, though I wish it was. Maybe I’ll try to bring this one back. Kind of like Frank the Tank!

Johnny “on the spot” – These are port-o-potties. We were at a huge music festival. Boredom ensued.

“Stuck at the Waffle House” Johnny “on the spot” – This was in the era of me being called Johnny “on the spot” and I was supposed to meet up with some friends one night. I was dropped off at a Waffle House and was waiting on my friend to pick me up. He was in a movie though and wasn’t answering his pager. I was stuck at a Waffle House for three hours. I still cringe when I hear that nick name.

J.C. – First initial. Last Initial. Not very creative and not a Johnny name, but the Son of God and I have something in common. I had to list it.

I’m sure I’ve been called a plethora of other nick names, good and bad over the years, but these seem to stick out the most. I’m sure I’ll obtain many more nicknames by the time my life is over. I’m just hoping they have nothing to do with port-o-potties or Waffle Houses!

And by the way, if you want a nick name i'd be more than happy to make one up for you...

::Sinister Villain Laugh::

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Love your neighbor as yourself...

What’s my motivation? Why do I do what I do? Why are we such a comparative people? Why do we gather our self-worth from other’s approval ratings of us? What do they have that we don’t? Why do we want that? Why do we have what other people don’t? Why do they want that? Why do we feel the need to be right? Why do I allow myself to be ranked by others? Why do others allow me to rank them? Why do I strive for acceptance? Why must others being accepted by me?


This sick game will never go away.


Fuck comparisons. Fuck approval. Fuck being superior. Fuck the social ladder that we feel like we must climb. Fuck having to be right. Fuck being judgmental Fuck being pretentious. Fuck fitting in.


Everyone’s trying to fit in.

High Rolling in my own mind...

14 hours on your feet makes for a long day. I’m not complaining though. The money is good and who doesn’t like to have dinner and a lot of beer for free? No, I haven’t started stripping, but damn those girls sure do make a lot of money. Recently one of my friends and I have started running a weekly poker game that we used to play every week.

We became good friends with the last guy who ran the show and he wanted to move on. So we decided to step up. It’s a good deal because we switch back and forth each week so if one of us wants to play we’re more than welcome to do so.

On top of running this game we’ve decided that we’re going to try and pick up three more games, so we’ll both have two a week. Hopefully, this will result in an extra $250 a week for both of us, which if you do the kindergarten math equals to $1000 a month, which ultimately would be an extra $12k a year. I’m going to call it $10k though since holidays and vacations come up.

We’ve pretty much landed the second game already and we have a third in the works. I think we’ll know about the fourth here this week as well. It’s kind of exciting to have a side business where we can make some quick cash and have fun doing it. Not a lot of people get that opportunity with second jobs. Most people work second jobs because they have to. We’re just doing this because 1. We would be there playing poker anyway. 2. I don’t want to be in debt forever. This seems like a pretty good way to catch up on my unruly credit card bills.

I’ve done some basic figures in my head and I think I could have all of my credit card bills paid off in 8 months and have over $3k in the bank if I don’t blow the poker money on crap. Things come up though. Cars break. Eyes need glasses. Action figures must be purchased (a.k.a. Crap).


Here’s to wishful thinking!