Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Private Joker: A peace symbol, sir.
Pogue Colonel: Where'd you get it?
Private Joker: I don't remember, sir.
Pogue Colonel: What is that you've got written on your helmet?
Private Joker: "Born to Kill", sir.
Pogue Colonel: You write "Born to Kill" on your helmet and you wear a peace button. What's that supposed to be, some kind of sick joke?
Private Joker: No, sir.
Pogue Colonel: You'd better get your head and your ass wired together, or I will take a giant shit on you.
Private Joker: Yes, sir.
Pogue Colonel: Now answer my question or you'll be standing tall before the man.
Private Joker: I think I was trying to suggest something about the duality of man, sir.
Pogue Colonel: The what?
Private Joker: The duality of man. The Jungian thing, sir.
Pogue Colonel: Whose side are you on, son?
Private Joker: Our side, sir.
Pogue Colonel: Don't you love your country?
Private Joker: Yes, sir.
Pogue Colonel: Then how about getting with the program? Why don't you jump on the team and come on in for the big win?
Private Joker: Yes, sir.
Pogue Colonel: Son, all I've ever asked of my marines is that they obey my orders as they would the word of God. We are here to help the Vietnamese, because inside every gook there is an American trying to get out. It's a hardball world, son. We've gotta keep our heads until this peace craze blows over.
Private Joker: Aye-aye, sir.
This is one of my favorite scenes in Full Metal Jacket.
The Duality of man!
I think I kind of understand that. I think that's why I love Johnny Cash so much. One minute he's singing songs about killing men in Reno just to watch them die to Swing Low Sweet Chariot. I can identify with that as sick as it may sound.
Sometimes I want to put someone in their place and tell them to fuck off. Then when I walk away and have a chance to think about it all I realize that God loves that person just as much as He loves me regardless of whether they're an asshole or not. Shit, I'm an asshole, but he still gives me grace.
We're all assholes sometimes and God brings the heavenly toilet paper to wipe our asses. Now you might think that that's disgusting and degrading to God, but I don't. Jesus washed all of the disiples feet and as low and filthy as I may be sometimes I know God would wipe my ass.
I'm thankful for that. Now just to follow his example. How can I help wipe the asses of society?
Done with all of the shit talk. Back to the duality of man.
Regardless of whether you want to shoot someone down in the street or help a little old lady cross the street We all have that dual nature. The Bible refers to it for the Christian types as the Spirit and the Flesh. It's such an interesting subject to me that Paul covers in Romans.
He says not to gratify the lusts of your sinful nature(flesh), but to walk in the Spirit. One thing that he says that alot of people can't comprehend is that if you don't gratify the lusts of your flesh that you will walk in the spirit and not sin. So we don't have to sin?
Honestly, what would be the point of a salvation and a God who freed us from sin if we couldn't not sin. Now I know that not sinning is not the objective. The objective is to Love God and your neighbor as yourself, but Jesus said if you do these things that you won't break the ten commandments. Which in turn means you won't sin. Isn't that crazy?
I may sound like a heretic right now talking about God wiping my ass and not sinning, but that's the greatest thing about God. I think he'll help me do both of these things.
Now if you think everything I've said is crazy, just remember that it's not about arriving. It's about the journey. That's where my faith lies.
God is perfecting my faith and I just need to keep working out my salvation through fear and trembling.
This is why I love God. I think I could have a conversation with Him about all of this stuff and I think he would be excited that I would be getting it. Church folks would probably think I'm crazy, but God bless those people. I think they need their eyes opened up just as much as they think all of the "sinners" out in the world do.
Jesus loved the sinners and I do to, mainly because i'm one of them.
Friday, November 25, 2005
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Sorry about the short hiatus of depression there. I handle it much differently than most though. Being the extrovert that I am it's not very often that I get down, but being the analyzer that I am, when I am down and out I pull it apart and find the root of the problem. I know what has caused this pain in my heart. I know why my mind has not been awake, but been an all consuming thunder storm of thoughts.
As sick as it may sound I don't completely mind going through these stages. I just experiment with it. As always though, I pick myself up and get back to it. I'm an extrovert, a cancer, a rooster...remember? Now you might think that all of my problems are resolved. Actually, none of them are, but it's alright. I've finally found the strength through my experimentation of my thoughts to figure out how to handle everything.
Like I orignally thought, Everything is going to be alright, whether these issues turn out the way I want them to or the way God has intended them to work out.
I use to have a saying a couple of years ago, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger...or bitter". I don't like being bitter. It takes too much work. It's not worth it. There's so much more in this life to be happy about. I don't feel like keeping up with what makes me mad or who has pissed me off this week. It's too much to handle or try to control.
We must always remember that there is a reason things don't work out the way we want them too and that it's ok not to get what you want, even though it destroys us at the moment. I think in most cases it works out for the best that we don't get what we think we MUST have. I know what I need and I already have it. Whether I get more of that is up to me. This does not depend on anyone, but me.
I control my own destiny on this one.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Eat, shower, and get dressed in about an hour's time.
Take my vitamins, check my messages, and call around to some friends,
make plans for dinner and drinks sometime after 9:00.
Oh we're definitely going to call it in early tonight.
Well, I need to dry out and take some time to clear my mind.
Now before you know it here I am again, it's fucking 2:00 in the morning,
standing in a bar, with a drink in hand.
How low can you go before you can't turn around?
Now seriously, this is my last and final time.
Well I'm making some big, big changes in my life.
No, you won't catch me down here again, waiting to score sweaty money palmed into my hand.
What the fuck are you cutting this with anyway?
Because I have got some really, really big plans.
And today's the day I'm putting them into action.
But before you know it, here I am again. It's fucking 6:00 in the morning.
Rolled up dollar bill in my hand.
How low can you go before you can't turn around?
And I'm sick of feeling like I'm losing my mind.
Sick of doing the same things night after night.
Sick of self-loathing and self-absorbtion,
I'm sick to death of being constantly fucking sick of.
I don't know who I can trust.
Thought there was us, now there is no one.
by Against Me!
Monday, November 21, 2005
She was worth the pain, but I’m not worth her tears.
"I have not had sexual relations with that woman."
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
What are you gonna say when she picks up the phone?
Should you leave a message if she's not at home?
I wanted to know if you'd like to see a movie or get a drink.
It would be cool just to be in your company.
But if she says yes know what intentions might be.
If one thing leads to another and there's some chemistry.
You cannot lie, you have to tell the truth.
You have to explain why this could never be, because
There are things that cannot be undone.
There are mistakes that will never be forgiven.
Sometimes at night, I pray to wake a different person in a different place.
Maybe we could just be friends.
I'm being a bit presumptuous.
The stomach churns, the mind starts to race.
You nervously start to exaggerate.
I just want to be young, I want to live.
I want to be healthy,
I don't want this problem.
You wouldn't think something like irresponsibility,
would complicate something like asking for a girl's company.
But there are things you must accept as said and done.
There are truths you must learn to confront.
You can pray all night and day.
You'll always wake the same person in the same place.
Drunk mouth ruined it again.
Sometimes I say the dumbest things.
Baby it's not you specifically it could be anybody.
I've gone and built this up in my head and now it's all already over.
It's all ready before it ever started.
Monday, November 14, 2005
After thinking about poets today that write about love this thought crossed my mind: Are Poets similar to love sick juveniles who can't control their feelings and emotions and must display what they're feeling on paper? Or are these feelings and emotions lasting?
Maybe I'm maimed in my heart and cannot fathom carrying around a love like this for another soul for such a long period of time. I love my family and friends, but the love they speak of is so much more ...grueling. I wonder if throbbing might define it better, regardless, It's fucking painful is what it is. If these feelings are lasting I wonder if I'm missing something. Maybe it's all bullshit, but then again maybe I missed the boat on this one.
Does passion truly remain through the years? It's not as though I am some ignorant young boy(all the time) who doesn't get it. I fucking get it. Relationships take work and practice and all of that other shit that for some reason I fail with miserably.
Maybe. I've just never met the right person.
Maybe, I don't care enough.
Maybe: I'm lying to myself.
Maybe; I'm completely relationally inept.
Maybe, just maybe I'm fucking clueless.
Here's a poem by E.E. Cummings that makes me sick to my stomach.
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
Somedays I think poets and anyone who writes love songs
are out of their fucking minds.
Most days though, I kind of have to agree with them.
When I was a little boy I always thought that being a lawyer would be kind of cool because you got to argue all day long and prove everyone wrong. I liked to argue and I was pretty quick even at a young age. It sounded like a good deal to me. It’s interesting how a young mind works. I don’t think my heart would agree with the stress these days. Along with a slew of other thoughts I have about the justice system.
Friday, November 11, 2005
I’m not sure how it even came about. Maybe it was a conversation with an acquaintance or maybe I saw something on television. I just decided one day that I wanted to listen to Johnny Cash. My Dad had raised me on John Fogerty, Paul Simon and had always talked about Bob Dylan, but I don’t think we listened to him because my Mom wasn’t a Bob Dylan fan.
Thursday, November 03, 2005
I don’t know what the deal is, but sometimes I feel like Rob Schneider’s character on Saturday Night Live who gives everyone nick names. I’ve been doing it for years. I don’t necessarily give mean nick names either they’re usually pretty fitting to the person.
And by the way, if you want a nick name i'd be more than happy to make one up for you...
::Sinister Villain Laugh::
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
What’s my motivation? Why do I do what I do? Why are we such a comparative people? Why do we gather our self-worth from other’s approval ratings of us? What do they have that we don’t? Why do we want that? Why do we have what other people don’t? Why do they want that? Why do we feel the need to be right? Why do I allow myself to be ranked by others? Why do others allow me to rank them? Why do I strive for acceptance? Why must others being accepted by me?
This sick game will never go away.
Fuck comparisons. Fuck approval. Fuck being superior. Fuck the social ladder that we feel like we must climb. Fuck having to be right. Fuck being judgmental Fuck being pretentious. Fuck fitting in.
Everyone’s trying to fit in.
14 hours on your feet makes for a long day. I’m not complaining though. The money is good and who doesn’t like to have dinner and a lot of beer for free? No, I haven’t started stripping, but damn those girls sure do make a lot of money. Recently one of my friends and I have started running a weekly poker game that we used to play every week.
We became good friends with the last guy who ran the show and he wanted to move on. So we decided to step up. It’s a good deal because we switch back and forth each week so if one of us wants to play we’re more than welcome to do so.
Here’s to wishful thinking!