Meat Market

There was something very familiar about this exercise. Getting dressed up in expensive clothes that I wouldn’t normally wear and trying to sell myself as the best. Well, maybe not the best, but at least not the worst.

Then there was the waiting. Thankfully, I didn’t have to stand in a straight line across a gymnasium, watching as I excruciatingly get picked over, one person at a time. They had bar stools and I could act like I was oblivious to the whole process through staring intently at the baseball game on the big screen instead of watching my chances go down some other asshole’s pants.

There were more than stagnant water bottles to drink as well.

“Scotch on the rocks.” I always wanted to say that. Never had any adult beverage other than wine coolers ever touch my lips before, but my roommate said Scotch was cool.

“Girls like dudes who drink Scotch. They think you’re sophisticated. It’ll getcha some!”

Referring to getting your brains fucked out by a post sorority big breasted blonde as “gettin’ some” didn’t sound very refined, but I felt more like a man ordering a drink that wasn’t the same color as Blue Berry Yum Yum Kool-Aid.

The place was starting to clear out and nothing was happening for me. So I made a decision to do what any desperately horny 22 year old male would attempt for attention: Zippo Lighter Tricks.

Unfortunately, I only knew how to do the "thumb squeeze" which my little brother taught me when I was home for spring break my senior year of college. Which was only last April, but no one had to know that.

Then it happened, my amateur pyrotechnic skills paid off. She was exactly what I expected and wanted: Blonde, boobs and sloppy drunk.

We didn’t go very long, but it was longer than I had ever gone before. Just like waiting to get picked by one of the team captains, the act itself was very reminiscent of the first time I was chosen to play basketball.

Dribbling and passing eluded me and the guys didn’t mind me committing fouls since it was my first time and neither did she, but only because she was wasted and asleep. Then again, I did always have a knack for putting it in the hole, no matter how ugly my game was.