Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Puck Was An Asshole!

The summer of ‘95 was hot and sticky and not just for the obvious reasons. This was the year that Josh had finally discovered his body in its entirety. No longer were there only a few stray hairs sprouting on his crotch, underarms and upper lip, his body hair had become a force to be reckoned with. He even had the beginnings of a very promising happy trail.

While on summer vacation he spent the majority of his time downloading as much porn as his AOL dial-up service could handle. As far as Josh knew, his collection was unrivaled amongst his friends. Unfortunately, he would not find this out until years later when it was considered humorous to tell stories about wacking off in front of your 486 to hot Asian twins eating each other out while being butt-fucked by what appeared to be a room full of NFL linebackers.

Josh got bored masturbating until his family jewels appeared to be more like rubies than diamonds. He decided that he needed to take his skills to the next level. Sex Ed. and all of the porno movies he had been watching even showed him how to do it. “You put it in the first hole, right?” was what he said to himself right before he started practicing the pumping motion in the mirror while flexing his biceps and mimicking orgasmic facial expressions.

After watching the entire season of MTV’s The Real World in San Francisco. Josh felt educated and mature about his decision to have sexual intercourse or as his friends called it “gettin’ some pussy!”.

With all of the practice and education out of the way all Josh needed now was to find the right girl (or any girl) and at least a 3-pack of Her Pleasure Trojan condoms with spermicidal lubricant. Without giving it much prior thought, this soon became Josh’s biggest predicament. Living in the suburbs of Kentucky there weren’t any girls in his small neighborhood. Also, he was only 14 and not even close to getting his learner’s permit. His only hope was his older brother, Craig.

Everyone thought Craig was cool, but in his own way. He even treated his little brother Josh with a sense of respect that little brother’s before him had never known. So when Craig agreed to let Josh tag along to a High School party that he was going to on Friday night, Josh almost reached one of the higher ranking skills on his list of sexual exploits: Blowing his load with his mind!

Friday arrived. Josh spent an hour shaving his balls in the shower making sure that his boys were smooth. After he was dressed Craig told him to come in his room for a “quick talk”. Josh was excited. He thought his brother was going to give him a “man to man” talk about getting laid. Maybe he would even give him some condoms!

Craig was combing his hair in the mirror when Josh walked in and that’s how he continued to make eye contact.

“You excited about going to the party tonight?” Craig said.

“Hell yeah! I want to get laid!” Josh hastily blurted out as he sat down on the bed.

“Oh.” Craig said with a confused look.

“What, what is it?” Josh was looking confused now.

Craig turned around and looked at him.

“You’ve been watching a lot of Real World lately.”

Josh raised his eyebrows. “Huh?”

Craig smiled. “You’re gay, right?”

Josh cringed. “Are you gay?”

Craig kept smiling.