Saturday, July 07, 2012
Like most people, I’ve spent many sleepless nights laying in my bed staring into the darkness contemplating matters of the heart and soul... while also playing with myself. Thoughts weighed down with unanswered questions racing through my mind, the two most prominent being:
"Who did this shitty plaster job on my bedroom ceiling and why didn't I have a threesome before I turned 30??
The routine of days, turns into mundane weeks littered with obligations and events each month that pose a type of social instant gratification along with a constant misery.
Facebook notifications alert me to birthdays and going away parties. I spend nights in watching netflix wondering if I’ll ever find out if Bob Saget will ever tell me how he met his children’s mother and drunken nights out wondering how the hell I ended up at Southern Comfort watching a puppet sing Hank Jr’s “Family Tradition”.
Shitty weekend vacations are spent with rednecks in Florida’s panhandle and stressful work weeks dealing with clients whose faces I want to photoshop into beastiality porn. I’m given a pointless promotion at a job that I hate only months before the threat of potentially being fired for not being able to read the bosses mind. It’s like having a bitchy girlfriend that you don’t get to fuck. My attendance was required at a shotgun wedding followed up with being the shoulder to cry on 6 months later during the expected divorce.
These are all the typical milestones that we tend to forget by the end of each year.
Throughout our god forsaken fleeting lives it seems that only one thing tends to be recurring and seemingly more pressing than the typical annual bullshit-- the big fucking question.
What the fuck are we doing here?
And when I say here, I don’t mean the United States, Atlanta, Georgia, Little Five Points or even the Star Bar, where someone is probably throwing up while getting a rim job in the bathroom as I speak.
I’m talking about life.
Why the fuck are we alive?
It might appear that only the religious zealots that are terrified of not only homosexuals, but their own shadows or the philosophy major that you sweated on last night actually give a shit about this question. But that’s not true, they only care about the idea of our existence for superficial reasons.
The Christians don’t want to go to hell or catch homosexuality and the philosophy major just wants to pass their class and get anal occasionally because they can quote Plato after six shots of Jameson.
If we take a closer look though, humanity asks the question on a daily basis. We don’t ask it verbally, but we ask it collectively, with our actions.
World governments spend billions of dollars digging up ancient civilizations, sending people to space with the hopes of finding new frontiers and research new cures for diseases to prolong our own civilization. With all of the progress that surrounds us, I realized that money, science, technology and even religion have yet to answer the big question.
For the rest of us who aren’t scientists, archeologists, astronauts, religious or boring... our lives revolve around the aforementioned routine schedule. Some might even say that we are lesser because of it, but we just have a different approach.
And when I say we, I mean Americans or anyone in the world who wants to be an American or has an iphone or wants an iphone or likes porn and even more so, likes watching porn on their iphone in America or while thinking about America while getting themselves off while watching porn on their iphone. Because porn and iphones are obviously America’s greatest achievements.
Outside of trying to make ourselves feel better from time to time by purchasing Tom’s Shoes, shopping at a Farmer’s Market or even giving a bum a cigarette, Americans honestly don’t give a fuck. Because at the end of your life, what does it really fucking matter?
Kurt Vonnegut once said “We are here on Earth to fart around. Don't let anybody tell you any different.”
With that being said, I realized that we as Americans have actually discovered the meaning of life. Of course we did, but it was an accident.
The meaning of life... are you ready... is distraction.
Distraction from what you might ask? Distraction from the inevitable. Death and taxes... and the lack of ability to procreate or at least the act of. We are all going to die and before we do, we’re going be pinched for every possible penny and probably lose control of our genitalia as well.
Our nation, was built on rebellion, rejecting oppression (unless we are doing the oppressing) and freedom, but now our only conflict is with the boredom of our day to day lives and the fact that we’ve settled. As Americans, what are we to do?
In my opinion we must take distraction to heights it has never seen before or ever dreamed of going. We must fill the void, no longer shall we seek truth in science, technology and religion, but with instant gratification through our favorite distractions.
We must focus! We must not relent! We must not avert our eyes from the constant streams of useless information and entertainment that we take in each and every moment that we ignore each other with our mobile devices.
We must not stop eating rich, decadent, greasy and fatty foods that will cause high blood pressure, obesity and ultimately, death.
We must drink! $12 cocktails shall always be dancing on our lips, causing us to lose all inhibition. Cheap beer will always flow, drying out our throats and giving us headaches from hell. But not until we have committed heinous public acts of intoxication and been blessed with the gift of blacking out. Unlike 9/11...We must forget!
Cheap, dirty and disgusting sex acts must not stop regardless of our taste in personal hygiene, body weight, facial features or the idea that we might not actually care about one another. We must distract!
Now this may sound shallow, but let’s not lie to ourselves. We all do it and we call it the American Dream and we fucking love it.
Yes, we as Americans lack the ability to sit still, to contemplate the matters of the heart and soul, but that’s a good thing. Because I think if we actually did, it might scare us to realize that life is pointless.
So as we wait out our days for the inevitable nothingness. Just remember that all we can do is eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow we will die.